Why I hate Camping!

It all started innocently enough: a group of friends, a long weekend, and the illusion that “getting back to nature” would be fun. Spoiler: it wasn’t.

Act 1: The Forecast of DoomEvery. Single. Time. I even think about camping, the skies open like I’ve summoned the rain gods with a blood pact. Sunshine all week—birds chirping, bees buzzing, happy campers Instagramming marshmallows. The moment I pack a sleeping bag? Boom. Biblical downpour. I once saw a squirrel float by on what I swear was a homemade raft.

Act 2: The Night of 1,000 Pee BreaksLet’s talk about the real reason I hate camping: the pee situation. Like most women my age, I’m up at least twice in the night to pee. And while my body is cool with this, the raccoons, bears, and things-that-go-snort-in-the-dark are not.

At home, I roll five steps to my ensuite, pee, flush, and maybe pet the dog on the way back. In a tent? I have to put on shoes (wet), unzip the tent (loud), grab a flashlight (dead), hike into the woods (haunted), and pray I don’t get mauled mid-stream.

Once, I swear I locked eyes with a possum mid-squat. We both screamed.

Act 3: Medicated but AwakeI’ve tried everything: melatonin, Advil PM, that sketchy lavender spray Karen swears by. Didn’t matter. The moment my body hits that thin, suspiciously damp sleeping pad, my brain’s like, “Shall we revisit every awkward moment of 1994?”

Meanwhile, my friends are snoring like satisfied grizzlies, and I’m lying there staring at the tent ceiling, counting how many hours it’ll be before I can drive back to civilization and hug my espresso machine.

Act 4: I Have a House, You KnowLook—I own a perfectly good bed. It’s memory foam. It remembers me. And it’s located exactly 8 feet from a climate-controlled bathroom. No wildlife. No dew. No danger of mistaking poison ivy for TP.

The Moral of the StorySo, yeah, I hate camping. Not in a “teehee I’m a princess” way. More like a “why would I pay money to live like I’m fleeing a zombie apocalypse” way.

If you want to hike? Cool. Picnic? Love it. Sit around a fire and pretend we’re not basically making ourselves bait? Sure. But when it’s time to sleep, I’m going home.

Nature’s great and all. But so is indoor plumbing.